In the sixteen years of my career as a psychologist I have seen and heard many broken hearts. The ones that pain me the most are those that have truly loved another, trusted another, sacrificed so much for another, only to see their heart broken in million pieces. And since this is a post for women and children I will only speak for the broken heart of a woman.
It is indeed a fact that not everyone can love truly. The answer is simple and complicated at the same time. Bowlby, the famous attachment theory psychoanalyst had once said that, if a child has been deprived or have never formed an emotional bond with a primary caregiver from infancy until the age of 3, which is considered a critical period for emotional bonding in human beings, this child may never, ever be able to form a healthy emotional attachment with another.
Of course, there are always exceptions to this rule, and countless examples of people who survived childhood, neglect and abuse and became healthy adults who were able to give and receive love. But trust me when I say this, usually these people spent many many years of their lives living in a trial and error mode when formulating relationships and had to learn how to love and be loved with a lot of emotional work within themselves.
I am explaining all these to argue that not everyone is capable for truly giving and receiving love in a healthy way. So here are some warning signs to keep in mind when you are starting to date someone or find yourself in an unsatisfying relationship.
Please do not use this article to diagnose your relationship, rather if you see too many warning signs as described below better to discuss it with someone you trust or an expert.
1. Men will chase after a woman they love. If you find yourself to have to play the waiting game too often, in order to get to see him, he is probably not fully invested in you.
1. If you find yourself becoming jealous too often ask yourself: have I always been so insecure or are you feeling this way since you started this relationship. If your jealousy stems from your deep insecurities, fix it. However many times when women feel jealous is because they sense a real threat. So.don’t dismiss your feeling too quickly, while carrying a guilt that does not belong to you. Rather open your eyes and just make a realistic assessment of your relationship. Are you feeling this way because his eyes are wondering, becoming flirtatious with others, spending hours without checking in and you not knowing where he is? If that’s the case or you catch him in similar situations then you have the right to be jealous. This feeling is warning you for a potential threat.
3. A man needs his time with his guy friends and to do his hobbies, but he always seeks the comfort of his love in the end of the day. Is he distancing himself from you and you are finding yourself to wonder why he feels this way? When you asked him about it, he is very evasive and gives unclear answers? If this is the case, then have a heart to heart open communication stressing very clearly what are your needs in the relationship without feeling guilty.
4. A man who lives and respects a woman, loves and respects her friends and family. If he is.avoiding get togethers with your family and friends and finds excuses, he is most.likely not fully invested.
5. A committed man always talks about the future together. He does not avoid this topic, neither does he dismiss it.
6. Finally, do you feel safe with him. Do you share the same values? Like wanting to have a home and a family together? Do you have similar spiritual beliefs? People with similar values in life tend to partner well together. If you find yourself having to lie to your family and your friends about his whereabouts, or if you find yourself having to do things you used to hate just to please him, then stop and ask yourself why are you paying such a high cost for this?
Finally when you give someone so much love, trust and credit, make sure he is ready to receive it. Not everyone is capable of loving so strongly like.you.
Dr. Kontoulis, Clinical Psychologist 